Uber, Hearse or Death Cab to a Death Cafe?

In reading for work the other day, I discovered an unfamiliar term, the “death café” movement.  Apparently, it is an opportunity for people to gather and discuss the taboo subject of death, explore end of life options and share opinions on the matter.  Knowing just that it was a meet up and sharing opportunity was okay, but what does one serve at a death Café?  Angel or devil’s food cake?  Decaf coffee, espresso, heavy cocktails or tea?  Death by chocolate?  Moon pies?  What kind of people would it attract?  Goths, zombie fanatics, insurance salesmen or funeral groupies?  What do you order at a death café?  Would a well-done burger be called back to the kitchen as “cremate it”?  Would death by chocolate be served in a chocolate casket?

Our society has a weird fascination with death.  Ghost tours, haunted locations, paranormal experiences, zombies, etc.  We are intrigued by it, as long as it doesn’t come too close to us or those we love.  And it is one of those experiences that we don’t handle better with frequent practice.  The more we experience death and grief with little time for recovery between incidents, the less compassion we have for others to help them on their grief journey.

Work research is leading me to hospice, end of life and life enrichment readings.  One pal was a contributor to an article on the 11 aspects of a good death.  Now, I’ve seen a great many top 10 lists, and not one of them was a list of things that make death a good thing.  Among the factors found in research were:

“A recent study published in the American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, which gathered data from terminal patients, family members and health care providers, aims to clarify what a good death looks like. The literature review identifies 11 core themes associated with dying well, culled from 36 studies:

·        Having control over the specific dying process

·        Pain-free status

·        Engagement with religion or spirituality

·        Experiencing emotional well-being

·        Having a sense of life completion or legacy

·        Having a choice in treatment preferences

·        Experiencing dignity in the dying process

·        Having family present and saying goodbye

·        Quality of life during the dying process

·        A good relationship with health care providers

·        A miscellaneous “other” category (cultural specifics, having pets nearby, health care costs, etc.)

In laying out the factors that tend to be associated with a peaceful dying process, this research has the potential to help us better prepare for the deaths of our loved ones—and for our own.”  The rest of the article specifies what is meant by each of these items, and a link: http://qz.com/727042/the-11-qualities-of-a-good-death-according-to-research/

If I were to host a death café, who would I invite?  Would people be insulted because I thought they should have their affairs in order or amused because I thought they’d enjoy a morbid discussion?  Even worse would they be offended if I left them out because I thought they wouldn’t find it an appealing subject?  Like most of my pals, if there’s wine and chocolate involved, they are in no matter what the hook is.  But that’s a whole nother story.

My current group of friends, range in age from primarily early 50s into the 90s, and none of us are getting any younger.  I had to remove a past job from my resume because all of the pertinent references are deceased. The reality is that my next decade or two is going to be spent in the end of life care and tending to pals at the end of life spectrum from needing in-home care, moving to assisted living and even calling to arrange home health and hospice care – possibly from my coworkers. I’d better find a little black dress that I really enjoy, because it could be getting a significant amount of mileage.

Death no longer provides the anxiety it did in my 20s and 30s. Doing time at the funeral home cured that in a hurry.  If there is no past history with the deceased, they just seem to be peacefully napping folks. The Taoist culture believes it is a rebirth to another form of life unfamiliar to us.  Just as foreign as what happened after birth to the life we now know.  In talking to someone about whether having a faith base makes a difference, the point was made that we invest all this time at church for the great reward of Heaven as a destination.  Why do we still feel sadness when people achieve that final goal?  That’s the final goal.  It’s like winning the church LOTTO.

I’m still looking into the death café possibility, and there will be Costco desserts.  Let me know if you want to be on the very much alive guest list.