F-Bombs Away, B!

Stop and think about the last time someone told you to F yourself or F you?  Was it warranted?  Did you even realize that you had done something to incite such an outburst?  Did you even realize it was directed at you?  Did you react with a single digit salute?  Verbally respond with the same phrase or let it go?  The counter-attack F-U escalation is as ridiculous to watch as it is to participate in, if you think about it.  Think of how foreign visitors or aliens would report back on that exchange:

‘The first two-legged furry creature told the second two-legged furry creature to enjoy copious copulation in a vernacular phrase of “fuck you!”   It is often used to critique one human’s skill and expertise in motor vehicle operation.  Also appears to be an exuberant greeting for competing males occupying the same territorial space with body, 2 or 4 -wheeled vehicles and is often also used as an exclamation of acceptance as in “fuck yeah.”  The lesser utilized variation of “fuck me” seems to be a statement of disbelief or astonishment.  But when the word was researched in trusted resources only has a sexual definition.  At no time when I saw or heard it was it being used during the copulation act. Puzzling.'

It’s sobering to me that the worst insult we hurl at perfect strangers is a wish for them to get lucky in the sack or to utilize their genitals in a physically impossible manner?  The F bomb is the most common denominator of expletive insult that we utter with alarming regularity for everything from an unintended slight to not paying attention when crossing the street, a delayed response when a light turns green or not allowing enough personal space especially with regard to our motor vehicles.  

In the same vehicular gold fish bowl where we feel we can comfortably pick our nose, we hurl vulgarities at other drivers that when contextually considered are wishes for successful copulation.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to wish that karma provide retribution for their inconsiderate actions?   Or that a well-placed law enforcement officer witnesses their next transgression?   Or that an uninsured motorist crosses their path at an inopportune moment?  Or that said genitals erupt in painful rash making physical union undesirable? Or that they find themselves in a state of undesired celibacy for an extended period of time?

Another favorite is the female dog vernacular which is directed at women more often and in more situations than usually warranted.  Female dogs are the bomb.  They bring forth and nurture more than one infant at a time, fiercely protect those pups from all predators, provide sustenance and instinct training to allow them to survive with their human pack after JUST 8-10 weeks.  That is wicked efficiency.  We women should take that expletive in the nature given that we are a force to be reckoned with and getting things accomplished.  The other day someone called me a B.I.T.C.H. and they were understandably taken aback when I graciously thanked them.  

People INTEND to throw you off your game by calling “bitch” to infuriate and put us on the defensive, usually inciting an escalation of the behavior that caused the term to be used initially.  Callers use it as a mean way to call out snarky, mean or overly assertive behavior that puts them off or at a disadvantage.  Usually it happens when patience pays off and you snag a choice parking space, or a line or lane merges and you are forced down to one lane where someone doesn’t want to allow for merging traffic.  Don’t you find that it’s more often men using the term to intimidate and infuriate women rather than being gentlemanly and really shocking us.

Putting the term in a new framework often diffuses the intended response.  I think of B.I.T.C.H. as an acronym for Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Caring, Human.   Not the way most people intend as Bold Intense Tacky Cocky Hellcat or Belligerent Inconsiderate Traitorous Callous Harridan… depending on your last cumulative Reader’s Digest  “Enrich Your Word Power” Score.   

When I explain my frame of mind on the term AND THEN call someone that, it causes a completely different sense of empowerment.  Of course, I only bestow the term on those who have the appreciation and common sense to understand me.  I’m not going to waste time explaining my logic to someone who clearly embodies the negative aspects of the term, which would be a waste of energy that could better be used interacting with another talented caring human in activities of an intimate nature.  But that’s a whole nother story…

I think we need to come up with an alternative to the F-U that would be widely used, easily adapted and could receive the same kind of universal acceptance but be entirely more appropriate for the situation. “Potty Mouth!”…  “Bad Karma!”… “Celibacy!”… “Knicker Knots!”… “Granny Panties!”

They just don’t have the same ring to them, but wouldn’t be as embarrassing to come from the child in the car seat behind you.   The sobering noise of a toddler uttering your favorite driving cuss words is a marked rite of passage in the parenting handbook and one that we’ve all thought “F@#&! Where did the kid learn that kind of language?!”