S'mothering Day

Early in life, my instincts were that I would be okay remaining childless and never being a mom.  Might have been my doubts in my ability to handle that level of responsibility for others well-being, manage my own frustrations when things don’t meet expectations, or the prospects offering to share their gene pool were a little shallow – in more ways than one.  It took a leap of faith, one hell of an epidural and the support of many good moms to bring me to the decision to co-mingle, wrangle and bribe my way into the motherhood tribe.

There are many parenting styles that have been lampooned and promoted over the decades  - we saw the rise and fall of the tiger mom, the helicopter parent, the squabble over nature vs. nurture, logical consequences, rationalizing with toddlers (also known as sabotaging your sanity) as well as any number of theories and philosophies in between.  My personal favorite hovered somewhere between the hands off approach, shameless bribery and what my boys call s’mothering.  On the plus side – everyone was weaned and potty-trained by the time they went to kindergarten, but there were some ongoing issues with unreal expectations of myself and others.  Once I was able to let go of those, the issues completely changed focus.  My new mantra became, “As long as the kids still want a hug at bedtime, it’s been a good day.”

With the adjusted expectations for parenting, the expectations for Mother’s Day also evolved.  A lifetime supply of macaroni jewelry, construction paper flowers and popsicle stick photo frames in exchange for expelling a watermelon sized human from a space designed to house MUCH smaller objects 90% of the time.  The luxurious spa, jewelry and floral ads suffice to provide amusement. I have no expectation of ever receiving those options and am fine awarding those to myself for personal achievements - such as permitting stupid people to continue usurping air.  The first 30 minutes of Mother’s Day, you usually feel particularly appreciated until the laundry needs changing, dishwasher needs emptying and people demand to be fed… then it’s just another Sunday.  

About a decade ago, the gals in my family proposed that we take a day off instead of expecting to be revered and go see a movie, get mani/pedis, have lunch or whatever appealed to us.  As we all grew weary of the caregiving roles we each fulfill on a weekly basis, we grew to look forward to uninterrupted chick time.  This last month, we took a staycation in a nearby small town and wandered a farmer’s market, antique stores, chillaxed in our hotel room with wine, snacks and ice cream and chatted about matters big and small.  The guys like that they have little to do with our preparation and get to have their own time together.  We get to sleep in, not cut anyone else’s food and spent time in the bathroom alone.  Moms of toddlers will testify, this is a rare and beautiful thing.

As our sons grow older, I plan to hold them to the same ideal that I raised them with – spend more time WITH me than money ON me, and I will be well blessed.  Since both of them have more time than money at this point in their lives, that should be an appealing notion all around.  Not that I wouldn’t be thrilled with a bauble in a jewelry box; my gems walk the earth and make me proud of the way they sparkle in the face of adversity, care for others and convey their ideas.   We head out next week to assist our oldest in launching the next chapter of his life – learning to survive on his own in Southern CA.  Aside from obtaining a job and balancing life skills with the responsibilities and rewards of successful adulting, he’ll be relearning how to interact with new roommates, drive again and maintain his equilibrium in the everyday world outside of academia.  

In sorting through all of the shrapnel in the room he inhabited since age 10, I’m realizing one suitcase cannot encompass it all.  There are things I want to send with him going forward and things that just aren’t practical in his new life.  He does want all 20 lbs. of Steven King and Harry Potter hardback books, but the cub scout awards, dramatic production posters and outgrown clothes will get trashed or recycled into someone else’s formative years.  Like a snake, he has outgrown this skin and needs to slough it off to make room for the growth he’s achieved in three years away at college. 

We’ve all grown and changed in countless ways with his distance – mom returned to full-time work in some strange and interesting industries, he learned to live meagerly and conserve his budget, dad learned that it feels good to be able to contribute to opportunities we didn’t have at his age.  He learned to tell a complex story in 6-10 minutes of film.  He still can’t tell a story orally in less than 15-20 minutes, but that’s a whole nother story in and of itself.

Son #2 is preparing to attend prom with a pal he has known since sixth grade.  He developed an elaborate prom proposal "promposal", enlisted the help of a squad and they will go as a group to a simple restaurant all decked out in their duds and hopefully have a safe and memorable event.  He likes to explore nature and took the opportunity to drive to Mt. Rainier this week at a good weather break.  

All of these experiences, attending school out of state, going to prom, taking a 140 mile drive on a whim, required the calming of my smothering response and lengthening of the proverbial umbilical cord to trust their roots to ground them and their wings to carry them.  All the while, hoping that their common sense had strategic weight and would win out when challenged.  The challenge to sit back and see how things play out has been the most challenging part of parenting, but also the most rewarding  to see the way that trajectories are gently corrected to even out the course.

This Mother’s Day, I wish all who nurture in maternal ways whether to humans or animals, ideas or ideals, biological or adopted - peace and blessings in a job well suited to your individual gifts.  Many nurture people and projects around them without even realizing the impact that caring for each other has in the world.  It makes a difference to spread that blanket of care wider for the greater good.