The Gift of Presence

As a fan of puns and plays on words, this has been a phrase I use during the holiday season to remind myself and others that time being together means more to me than baubles and costly treats. Don't get me wrong - a box of Frangos is always welcome.  In the last week it has come to mind often and has even been used to thank friends who gathered for a birthday celebration for a beloved pal.

Have you ever been out with someone who was with you but not really present?  Kept checking their phone or paying more attention to other things and not really focusing on your conversation.  You wonder why they even accepted to spend time with you since their attention is diverted.  

Consequently, when you are with someone who truly focuses on your conversation and even the subtle nuances that you don't say to intuit further, you feel that you have fully connected, interacted and often are better for their advice, validation or just having been truly heard.

While a guest at a recent birthday event, I was seated next to a young man and discovered he had recently lost a member of his family.  He was stunned that I could work for a funeral home for any length of time.  “Wasn’t that depressing?”he echoed the common response when people find out where I was employed.  Yes, but not for the reasons one would think.

It provided the opportunity to FOCUS on what is important in each and every day.

Think before speaking, hug often, listen intently and tell people of their value in your life.  Too often I heard the platitudes that surround death being repeated over and over.   Too often I heard more regrets than reflections.  Too often I heard “should have’s” “ought to’s” and “need to’s”.  The intent from this point on is to have NO REGRETS. 

If by some unfortunate incident, my life ended today – my family and friends would know they were loved and have a funny story to share and that is the legacy I choose to leave.  All is forgiven - take a baggie of me and spread it on a warm beach somewhere exotic, that ticket is on you.  But that will be a whole nother story.

When I learned of my fellow guest's recent loss – I asked for permission to toast his brother and asked for his name.  He mentioned how special it felt that I said ‘What IS your brother’s name?’ and not WAS.  His brother’s name is still the same despite the absence of his human form.  We toasted him with the other people at the table and it was obvious they felt it was a little awkward.   

When people are processing through grief, one factor that hurts further is how soon others stop talking about the deceased and using his or her name. “Has everyone already forgotten?” We just don’t feel comfortable bringing it up in general conversation.  Bringing up a favorite story or a time that the deceased had a special moment with you is always appropriate.

 

The best memorial gatherings experienced in my time at the funeral home were the ones where the stories of the exploits of the deceased flowed like fine wine.  One of my tasks was to receive, catalog and process clothing to be worn by the deceased person.  Whenever a dressy outfit came in, I would often ask for the story of when it was worn – weddings, cruises, graduations, special holidays, Seahawks wear, full Scottish kilt outfits, Mason aprons, work boots, overalls, etc.  The stories that clothing could elicit gave a further layer to the file I was processing and enabled me to share more presence with the family.  The stories bring more to mind and the memory of the deceased is kept alive for a few more moments.

This might be a more appropriate post for the holiday season, but it has really come to light in the last week.  Maybe I’ll regift it in December if the writing muse takes a holiday break.  The next time you are seeking just the right gift for an event - YOU may be just the thing that is required.  Tie a big bow on your head and see what happens when you truly give your focus, attention and time. Be the gift you seek... but do wear something besides the big bow.  THAT could be awkward.