Launching the Relation Ship

 Remember what captured your attention in the opposite sex as a teenager?  The list was lengthy – stunning good looks, humor, popularity, athleticism, ambition, intelligence, able to merge between different social groups, open to a wide variety of interests, and compatible with your friends - but not well enough to date any of them.  

  As Mr. M says, “In my teens, what I wanted to find in an ideal girlfriend was 2-3 pages long.  You know what was most attractive by the time I hit my 20s?   Any girl with any interest whatsoever in me.”  I always think there ought to be a naughty punchline to that question, but that’s a whole nother story.

  In our 20s we wanted to find someone with the ambition, education and abilities to achieve a successful long-term career to reach all other life goals.  In the 30s, it was someone who would take an equal ratio of the home, work, parenting, social, political, economic and financial responsibilities we had gotten ourselves committed to.  If we managed to be able to coparent well and would occasionally give the primary parent some alone time – the bonus round bell was rung.  The magic powers of chore play come to mind – nothing sexier than a man loading the dishwasher, running laundry or vacuuming.

  By the time we hit 40s, the parenting responsibilities become more like hostage negotiations – do you want to serve as chauffeur, cook, house keeper or prison warden?   The challenge/opportunity to work away from home is often an appealing notion.

  At 50, the kids are more independent and it’s time to renegotiate companionship opportunities that have been put on hold while the child-raising duties took first priority.  It also comes as no surprise that many relationships don’t survive through this point.  Divorce when the kids are grown is a common result.  Putting each other back into the priority rotation often challenges one’s own personal time indulging in hobbies, time with friends, career necessities and regaining lost sleep.

  The retirement time we may have envisioned for our 60s as being carefree travel and personal exploration gets set back further as the necessity of working longer to keep abreast of responsibilities. When the health is good enough to bear all the responsibilities, the funds are not available for excursions.  When the opportunity and funds for exploration finally emerge, the time and health may not be available.  If we have to compromise in our 60s and let others have their way in travel, social time, or take care of aging parents it often feels like our goals are being put on hold again.

  In the 70s and 80s, the realization that our life expectations may exhaust our life expectancy casts a shadow of immediacy to needing to “just do it”.  When partners or spouses die, the remaining partner often recouples quickly due to the desire for companionship, not out of disrespect for the previous partner.  Many of my female pals in their golden years, remarry knowing the marriage may be brief.  Their list of demands is comparatively short – steadily breathing and a good conversationalist.  THAT would be a bonus, but there is Rx for that.

  This year my parents celebrate 50 years of marriage.  It hasn’t all been smooth sailing for them.  There have been days of feast and days of famine, days of sickness and health, days of prosperity and borderline poverty.  They have weathered storms and given family the realistic view that marriage on is most often love, honor and negotiations; not roses and romance.  That’s the rare occurrence, when there are time, funds and energy. 
  If we were able to look forward 60 years in our 20s and see what the future holds might insure that we make better choices for the long term at that point.  In retrospect, I’m reminded of a thought I had early in our relationship.  I rolled over and looked at Mr. M’s freckled back and was unable to imagine not seeing those freckles every day.  Don’t make a life with someone you can live with; make a life with someone you can’t imagine living without.