HR Incentivizing - Hookers and Blow?

Last week I received an invitation to a meeting by our HR department.  Nope, it wasn't that kind of a meeting and I didn't have to fill a jar.  Which is a good thing since I live in Washington.  But a whole nother story.

This email was inviting employees from every decade and demographic to a meeting about how our company should be incentivizing employees for longevity and superior service.  Utilizing Massey's value development theory that what motivates each generation is vastly different things. The objective of the meeting is to have each demographic team come up with three things that would motivate their team to excel at work.  And for this opportunity we'll be away from our desks two hours mid-morning and spend the rest of the day in a furious attempt to catch up on the amassed voice mails, emails and tasks.

What's wrong with the old model called salary or "We show up, work and you pay us?"
I'm a simple girl.  Keep it simple and don't make me do dog and pony shows. My first thought was,
"How do I get out of this gig?"  Then, I remembered what my spouse with an eternally 12yo mentality would say, "Hookers and Blow!"  That should do it!  Might be a career limiting move; but would also get people talking about the subject with other employees and get some push behind the campaign.

Could you imagine the level of productivity of employees motivated by hookers and blow?  Endless work shifts followed by a "8 seconds at the Mustang Ranch". The cost in L&I might make a dent in profits, but the new business partners and clientele would surely work out the kinks.

Since I've worked for companies who tried bad ideas for work rewards, I have some experience with the lamest of morale-building ideas.

Employee engagement activities - where people who don't like each other and don't want to be social are forced after hours to be with people they don't like and be social or even competitive. Agony.

The raffle ticket game where people go the extra mile in ways they should but normally don't all for a paper raffle ticket.  "I put my wrapper in the garbage, give me a ticket."

Fake moola to purchase company swag.  Eh, wrong, especially since company swag had the name of a funeral home on it.

Wellness bucks to buy products at discount when I worked for a sporting goods retailer.  Completely waterproof head to toe including undergarments in 14 months.

Writing SMILE notes to one another for team points for giving or receiving.  So eventually notes become "Thanks! For Making Our Team Great! from someone who is not even on your team...

Earning points on a competitive on the wall graph... where everyone can witness your underachievement and lack of giving any 1/2 of any expletive.

Then, wouldn't you know I'd get an idea I just couldn't get rid of about this concept.
There is a fish market right down the street from work and fish restaurants all up and down our community. Hookers...
Fish and chips gift cards - with a vegan option
Promotional swag with velcro attaching the ends.
Fly fishing expedition for sports enthusiasts or fly tying class for artsy folks.

Blow could entail any number of blowing activities that could build some kid-like fun into the day.
Bubbles on the campus in spring would be enlightening.
Chewing gum puts a little flavor in your day.
Slide whistle could go in the office emergency kit.
Punching balloons, beach balls, pool toys, sex toys... but I digress...

Then I realized that the company I work for is never going to even consider this avenue:
Because, 1) I work in a retirement community, so the residents might not respond well to a campaign to reward employees with vices, nor visits from the vice squad.
2) We manage home health and hospice, so the concept of drugs and illicit sex wouldn't fly.
And, most importantly,
3) It is run by a conservative religious organization.  So take my fabulous idea and run with it, HR departments of depraved, profit-mongering caverns of mind-sucking boredom.  I've been in a few of those myself and the urge to cut off your wrist to escape passes after a bump in SSRIs or 4 years of therapy.

I'll be writing my next blog with a Troll doll with a #2 lead pencil up its posterior, that I got saving paper clips for 8 months to make a long enough chain...