10 Things No One Tells you about Colonoscopies

Since 2008, I've had no less than a dozen colonoscopies.  The first one found stage 1 cancer and that is the protocol for such discoveries. Often, colon cancer gives very subtle symptoms. But also my siblings, spouse, parents and 48 other friends had colonoscopies they had been avoiding that year. 

I became known as the butt buddy - the required ride to and from the procedure.  The Q & A person for all things associated with the prep process.  Some of my best recommends are shared below.  Some are practical, some are vaguely amusing and some are downright brilliant.

1.   Schedule your procedure as early as possible in the day.  You can take NOTHING by mouth 6 hours before, so you might as well pass that time sleeping, right?

2.  Take 3 days off or plan nothing for prep day, procedure day and the day after.  You will be given a light amnesiac and it takes a while to wear off.  I knew an MD who went sailing right after his procedure and FORGOT how to get back where he launched from - true story.  Use your post day to jump start a new healthier eating plan.

3.  When buying prep items for your day of CLEAR liquids - go full fat, full flavor, full sodium.  You are going to spend 24 hour with these choices - do not skimp on quality.  If you can read a label through the bottle - it is a clear liquid.  Alcoholic beverages are NOT on the clear liquid list.

4.  Buy the most expensive baby wipes you can find and a pack of at least 50.  Yes, really.  You will thank me later.  That cheapo toilet paper you buy is not going to look good after the tenth time it is used in a short time frame.

5.  Ask a trusted friend to drive you to and from the appointment.  They will need to be available for 3-4 hours, so make it someone you want to be indebted to.  They may have to help you get dressed after the process, so take that into consideration as well.  They will ALSO have ammo on you as you will be on drugs during the drive home and VERY HONEST AND OPEN.  Choose wisely.

6. PREP DAY - Follow instructions to the letter.  If something unfortunate happens, like you regurgitate all of one dose of meds - let the office know ASAP.  You do not want to get there and have them end you home to chug a lug the prep AGAIN in 2 hours and return (I've done it -- twice.)  Follow ALL instructions and drink ALL the prep - they will know if you didn't. 

7.   BE NICE TO THE nurse doing your IV.  Seriously.  I have uncooperative veins and I don't want to piss off the person who is going digging in my arm. You're dehydrated, cold, starving and tired from multiple trips to the bathroom last night.  She has to literally deal with assholes all day.  Treat the staff like your mom, since she was the last person to care for your back side so intently.

8.  ENJOY THE BUBBLE SHOW AT THE BEGINNING... that's the last thing you will remember.  When you wake up, know that EVERYONE around you is farting loudly and you will be too.  That's a good thing, they want you to do it here to CLEAR THE LINES.  Go for the gusto.  The nurse may even press your belly if you are being too polite.  Give in to the 12 yo boy in us all.

9.  If the doctor reviews your procedure bedside, that is normal and nothing alarming was found.  They take you and your +1 into an office after you are dressed, if it's something serious.  But you will be on Fentanyl or some other anesthesia affecting your ability to process information.   Best way to hear that you have cancer.  I recommend it for all other kinds, but usually not an option.

10.  Ask them to WRITE down any instructions, prescriptions, recommendations or follow up actions as well as when you should have your next scope.  You will not remember.  That's also why you have a sober buddy along.

Proceed cautiously when returning to solid food.  It will take a few days for your system to produce solid waste and if overloaded with junk food, it may be unpleasant.  Start with low residue foods - eggs, rice, fruits and cooked veggies.  Introduce high fiber foods slowly. 

I often hear - "It's so inconvenient", "It's gross", "It's just not something I want to do."  So is colon cancer and of the two, I'd pick the scope prep.  Seriously.  It's one day and you know right away the outcome.  Otherwise it's a shadow that follows you 24/7 for the rest of your life and could include such adventures like surgery, rounds of chemo or radiation, support groups and putting your family through hell.  Suck it up, buttercup.

On the plus side, your pants will fit a bit looser.  You'll feel unclogged and get the best NAP of your LIFE!

The only down side of the butt buddy year is that one pal my age, Kelly - one of those who had been avoiding it -- and discovered stage 4 tumors in her colon, and metastasized tumors in her liver and lungs.  My oncologist told me "It's not often the first cancer that kills people, but if it involves 3 or more organs... So don't ignore any further symptoms from here on out."  She texted me with lots of questions during her prep.  She had been ignoring symptoms for years.  We stayed in denial until her diagnosis was confirmed.  I didn't share what I knew with her at that point.  She lived 8 months and left life on her own terms. 

Early detection makes all the difference - don't be a butt head.  Get the scope if your over 50.  If there is family history subtract 5 years for each incident.  My boys get to have them at 30, because I'm vigilant.  We have a deal that I'll come stay with them for the prep and appt.  and take them for any food they are craving when they wake up from their post-procedure nap.  If you're scared - I'll take you.  Shop for the care kit of clear liquids and supplies.  Clean your bathroom post-procedure while you nap the rest of the day - that's the clincher for most folks right there.  There has to be a market for that... the UberSuperPooperPackage.