Living Our Authentic Selves

As a school age child, I knew I was different.  I used tools with the “wrong hand,” was called

sinister, lefty and special by teachers and other students.  Some in authority even tried to force

me to use my right hand instead. One teacher would switch my pencil to my right hand when

she walked by my desk.  I learned to never write until her back was to me and relied on other

students to distract her attention to finish my work. Or I would hold a pencil upright in my right

hand and put a second one up my sleeve of my left hand to complete work.  There were two of

us who were lefties and we had one left handed desk that had been retrofitted for an older

student. Could another be crafted for our mutual comfort? No, that would be wasteful, we were told. It wouldn’t serve the best needs of the greatest number of students.  It would be special treatment for just a few people. It was often frustrating when we did art. The left handed scissors were dull and I found that the right handed scissors were fine, if held upside down. I made do with the resources available, but was not given any tools to assist in my adjustment.  I eventually became ambidextrous in several tasks just to make fewer issues and draw less attention to myself. I knew that to try to become a full righty was just not in my makeup. In order to engage my brain, skills, and neuro transmitters correctly, I had to use my left hand.  

It wasn’t a choice, or something I was exploring to see how it fit.  It was how my brain and neurons
were wired. I could no sooner change the hand I utilized in writing than I could change my skin tone,
or eye color.  It was a distinct part of my being and identity. I identify as a left handed person and no
amount of rules, restriction, bullying or descrimination was going to change that.  My family didn’t see
a need to advocate on my behalf. It was just something we had to get used to and deal with as subtly
as possible to not make waves.  

I’m talking about being left-handed in the 1970s in a private school. Insert trans-gender for left-handed to see what this is like for people who identify as other than the sex their biology appears to determine. Read this as someone forced to appear, dress and act as something different than their true self. Read this as someone literally dying to live as their true indentity against all costs, because the frustration of being forced to live against the grain often results in suicide attempts by transgender youth. Ostracism by family, bullying by peers, a lack of understanding and feeling it's a phase or social experimentation are some of the many forces working against transgender youth. Then society as a whole attempts to deny their right to access a bathroom. Would you want your child or yourself to be subject to that kind of hatred and ignorance?

In the 1990s, I worked in a building that had security-coded single-use bathrooms. One of the other employees in the building was living her true self as a female to satisfy conditions put in place by the medical field to validate hormone pills, injections and other steps that would complete her transformation from male to female appearance. The uproar from other colleagues it caused JUST to give her the CODE for the women's rest room was insane. Wasn't this person going through enough? Who would put on pantyhose and control garments if they weren't FULLY committed? Apparently, we haven't progressed as much as I had hoped.

 A small group of people at our church gathered and engaged in discussion after watching together
The Most Dangerous Year
https://www.amazon.com/Most-Dangerous-Year-Annabelle-Knowlton/dp/B07SCKSGX4/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+most+dangerous+year&qid=1571099632&sr=8-1

A movie documenting the path of families supporting transgender school age children. It is
available for about $4 from Amazon Prime and is well worth the cost and time to view the movie. 
Among these were 90yo grandparents with a need to understand and know how to support those in our
midst traversing this road, not by choice or whim, but by the need to live their authentic selves.

The most ironic point for me came when our blind Lieutenant Governor Cyrus Habib was one of the only
politicians with the CLEAR VISION - let that sink in - to recognize that protecting the civil rights of these
children and future transgender persons was clearly equal to protecting ADA rights that he had been
subject to discrimination for due to his blindness.  He also assured my vote for him for as long as he
chooses to run for being on the right side of history in standing up to protect the rights of LGTBQIA -
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender, Queer, Intersex and Asexual (and any other letters necessary
to be fully inclusive) as a commitment, not due to politics, but because it is an issue of moral integrity.

Be educated, be aware of signature gathering efforts to eliminate the rights of others.
Be open to the plight of others who fight for rights that in no way threaten your own.
Be on the RIGHT side of History.

Circuits Round the Sun - Opportunities for Experience

Life is all about experiences and how those experiences mold you to relate to the rest of the world.  Chosen experiences this week were all about self care, self-awareness, mindfulness and creating space for calm in a too busy world.  In the last year, it has become a goal to pay more attention to self-care, learn to hold space for others without projecting my agenda and to seize opportunities to explore areas I would normally pass by in the course of being a slave to the schedule.  Be open to change, opportunity and experience peace in the day to day.

On Saturday, my day was spent at a workshop making prayer labyrinth mats.  We learned the history, design elements, themes and meditative prayers for walking labyrinths.  We all shared locations of truly exceptional labyrinths encountered in the world - there is a winery in Eugene OR with a lavender labyrinth that is now on my bucket list - and then commenced planning to complete our own small scale labyrinths.  It was an exercise in patience, faith and a moving meditation exercise in and of itself.  I thought I had chosen a simple pattern... not so much.  But in the end, was the only participant with a completed project.  Others had their layout penciled in and we brainstormed ways to complete the layout with glued on embellishments, decorative stitching, painting the labyrinth design as a background base for a painting in the foreground and other expressions of personal preference.  The uniting of women from all walks of life, ages, professions, faith bases and intentions was as much of an education as the workshop itself.

The plan was to explore the grounds of the priory in Olympia, but weather prevented that plan from occurring, and left it for another opportunity now that I am familiar with the location.

Sunday was spent in my usual and customary worship service with all the trimmings.  Full choral music, instrumental accompaniment, a church full of people who have served on my faith journey for the last 10 years, family, friends and friends I consider as family.  There was potluck coffee hour after the service and the opportunity to share the adventures and challenges of the past week.

Monday, my birthday, brought my mom and a church pal to yoga class and out to lunch for Thai food. We learned that with one modified downward dog move, we stimulate 76 acupressure points of restoration and healing in our bodies and noted that this move needs to happen daily in life. The opportunity to learn what is good for heart, soul, mind and spirit while refreshing and nourishing with well seasoned fresh food was good for all systems.  We visited the back yard of our new home and reveled in the glory of creation in the water fowl, plants and bright blue sky that appeared.

Tuesday presented the opportunity to join a small group in centering prayer.  A passage was shared from Brother Lawrence - a Carmelite monk, and we were given 20 minutes to reflect, hold space and contemplate the passage in our own interpretation.  I had recently learned in yoga that finding your true center of gravity would feel like opening a door and the urge to yawn was a clue that one had found it.  I was able to identify the feeling of center both in mind and body and felt that was enough for one day.  Yes, my mind wandered.  Yes, I had to snap it's leash back to mindful emptiness.  Yes, I utilized some yogic breathing to assist in that endeavor.  But it was all good. 

There is no right or wrong way to center, to pray, to find one's path in the world.  We are all here to help each other.  But the path for one, may not be the right path for all.  Life often feels like a maze where we have made a wrong choice and followed the winding path to somewhere we ultimately did not want to be.  While a labyrinth helps us to discern how far and how fast and what we hope to find when we reach the center and reexamine the path as we exit the labyrinth for what we might do differently next time.

GEMS in my life

I often wear a stack of bracelets with several birth stones - blue sapphire is mine, peridot is my mother's, red ruby is my best pal's and blue topaz is my sister's favorite but not her birth stone.  The irony is I bought all the bracelets at seriously reduced price without consideration of what meaning the gems available had in my personal life.  At that time, I did not yet know my best pal - but would meet her later that year.  These bracelets catch and reflect the light that pulls me through winter's darkest gray days. 
In considering the number of gems - Generationally Enriching Matrons of Spirit - in our pews at church... Barbara, Mary, Shirley, Edna and others, I thought "What an amazing group of women that know our entire church's history.  We should bottle that resource while it is still available."  I'm trying to figure out a manner and a venue that would provide a way to do so and have yet to come up with a good idea...

Precious Time

One of my motivations behind taking an early retirement was the opportunity to spend more time doing fun things with my parents - now in their mid-70s.  Making memories and hanging out as peers, before it becomes necessary to shift into a care giving role as their needs and progression of age dictates.  Having a memorable anecdote to stir a memory in a mind plagued with dementia can make the difference between a mundane task and quality time reviewing the past while completing a bothersome task like taking medications or tending to skin issues.

This past weekend, mom celebrated the 53rd anniversary of her 21st b-day - Don't bother to with the math... It's not my forte.  Taking my mom to the ocean is where her inner 5 year old emerges.  She brings her kite, her brightest smile and checks the wind for the best angle to launch her kite and spirits aloft.  Offering Mom an escape from the usual schedule with a beach trip was one I could offer with no qualms.  It effectively worked its usual magic.  We added daily morning mimosas in small orange juice containers and a good time was had by all.

Time spent at the beach - whether ocean, bay or lake side - has always been cathartic for me.  Long ago, I developed the mantra that the waves come close to steal whatever is plaguing your mind, take it out to sea and smash it in the surf.  Now that I practice yoga, the image of surf and kites riding swift breezes give me another dimension to escape to during my time of mindful practice. 

We were also celebrating the long-awaited closing of the sale of our family home, which occurred during our beach trip.  And we timed our trip to be able to tour a series of artist studios to see creativity in its natural habitat.  How could one not create art when surrounded by beach scenery on a daily basis?

As usually happens when we travel together, anecdotes are shared and new ones develop.  After birthday dinner at the casino, we were on our way out the door.  My folks are NOT gamblers.  They spent much of their lives together under a STRICT budget that left no room for trivialities.  So, when Dad pulled out a $5 bill to take a slot machine for a spin, I was stunned.  Even more so when he pushed MAX BET on his third roll.  AND WON!  The bonus animation started and I had to coach him through the steps of each level... he ended up with a three level bonus... for the uninitiated - that RARELY happens.  He figured if he made $20 on his $5 investment, he was doing OK.  When he ended up with significantly more than than - both he and mom were stunned.  He cashed out his ticket and more instruction was required on the redemption... he wanted to take it to the cashier cage - of which there is no more; unless you win in the tens of thousands.  Dad was a little disappointed that when he cashed out there was no cascade of quarters to catch in a bucket like in the OLD days.  But still amused that he won on three rolls.

In my family, when there is down time and cocktails, there are board games.  We played Scrabble - complete with "My rack is deplorable" jokes - "I hear no complaints from your better half..."  "There's gotta be a vowel in that old bag."  "Who are you calling an old bag?"  We discerned the new rules to a new game - badly and made up our own to serve our purposes.  I noticed that as the night got later and the cocktails more potent; the rules followed became fewer and fewer... hmm.

We had originally contemplated taking a 6yo nephew with us for the excursion, but decided that a reconnaissance mission was necessary first.  We've determined that next year both nephews will be prime age for:
1)  fetching crashed kites
2)  sprinting up the stairs to unlock the hotel room door ahead of us - usu for a bathroom sprint...
3)  fetching dropped items left behind
4)  possibly learning to make a good cocktail,
5)  provide good nap companions and
6)  give us reason to try all the entertainment options we skipped this time - like bumper cars... 

Now we have to decide which WA beach presents a better venue for that purpose. 
Here's to more family quality time to make those precious memories!  Cheers!

Attitude Adjustment Hour

People often ask how we have adjusted to lake life and my favorite response is that it is like shifting to neutral to be here, but we don't often have or make time to enjoy those moments.  This morning I'm taking my attitude adjustment hour to put heart, mind and body in neutral.  To find where I am strong, weak, need care and just be - experiencing with each sense all that there is to absorb.  I find the most bliss when the people with riding mowers fire them up and mow the back 40 because that generates a nap response in my brain that will not be ignored.  So, overall, we've adjusted to everything BUT the smaller square footage and the myriad of stairs.  We have 37 stairs top to bottom.  You have to REALLY want to bring those groceries in and shop judiciously.

The air is mild and cool, the cup of tea is hot and fragrant, cat stalking the deck watching birds and ducks from a safe distance, the lake is calm and smooth, Mt. Rainier is obscured by clouds but I have faith it will show its majesty before the end of the day.  Wind chimes tinkle, birds tweet, geese honk, ducks waddle to our door to receive their morning rations - they now let us within 3 feet of them if we are holding a large coffee cup of duck pellets.  But they really prefer uncooked rice and frozen corn, truth be told. Further away, traffic sounds are beginning to intrude, but only if I let them.

The lake is often free of people, as there is no public access.  Which keeps it quiet until late afternoon, when the apartment complex on the other side spills most of its teens and tweens onto the dock.  We have a flock of 11 new goslings with 4 adults that watch over them, it's getting harder to tell the young from the mature geese now after several months.  The goose sounds were annoying at first, during mating season, there are no quiet hours.  Now that we've resided here through 3 seasons, and witnessed the changes there are aspects to look forward to with each season.  In Fall, we have a better view of the mated pair of bald eagles in the tree stands to our east side and enjoy watching them glide and ride thermals.  In winter, the birds really love that Dan still feeds them.  In spring, new bunnies, ducklings and goslings emerge and I look forward to those above 60 degree days to brave the cold water on my calves to take a kayak trip.  It takes 30-45 minutes to travel the length and width of the lake, noticing little changes in the 45 houses that surround it.  Some McMansions, but mostly small former lake cabins that have been converted to residences.  The last open lot was just sold recently and I'm anxious and dreading the changes to come with that acquisition. 

Mr. M finds more peace just observing the lake from the deck and caring for the many little creatures who make their habitat at the lake.  He's probably violating a HOA code of some kind, but the ducks are happy and that is all he cares about.


I find being on the water in a kayak to be a soul-satisfying experience.  Drifting close to eye level with the water fowl, dangling fingers in the water to an occasional nibble by a curios fry - 2" fish. The water plants smell vaguely seaweedy but more earthy, like the dank smell of old life vests that haven't been rinsed after use. The smell that, with Brut after shave, reminds me of my grandfather. It's where I commune with the memory of lake fishing with my Grandpa Bud. 

He would get irritated with me for not baiting with a hook, just tying a marshmallow to the end of my line.  I wasn't there to CATCH fish, I was there for an afternoon of quality time and junk food in a boat with my Grandpa.  He died when I was 14, so that was time well spent.  Plus, if we actually caught fish, there would be no stop at KFC or for fish and chips dinner on the way home, I knew the drill, and how to play my cards right.  As the oldest grandchild, and a girl, I had to assert my right to fish.  And take math courses.  Grandpa was old school "What do girls need to learn geometry for?" 

A sunny day in a small boat with Grandpa, snacks and no expectations of a pre-teen girl, that was a win-win. Grandpa found second hand to convert for boating use - being an auto mechanic, he utilized leftover auto seats to improve the aluminum bench in the boat so we'd be comfy. Found an 8 track player and wired that into the small boat motor engine, so we could either have tunes or power; but not both simultaneously. My life vest neck cushion was too high, so he tacked it down with duct tape.  I once got my gum stick in my hair, so he hacked it out with his keys...  the list goes on.

Being on the lake is the time when I fill Grandpa in on the current exploits of Joe - who resembles him and Nick - who has his gentle demeanor, but not his misogyny.  They would have enjoyed each other greatly.  I tell him about the nephews' latest antics and once again we chat while out on the lake finding neutral in the fast-paced world.  Some cultures have an altar to commune with ancestors, I have a lake.

High Hilarity Baking

Some folks know I've been dabbling in cooking with cannabis a bit over the last several years.  Much to the surprise of our sons and Mr. M.  I've even looked at retirement job opportunities in the industry and haven't yet ruled it out.  However, in the course of my trials and triumphs there have been some lessons learned that will be cause for amusement... 

My first time at a cannabis dispensary was with a friend in the medical field.  WE were literally like kids in a candy store - and didn't realize there was a limit to how much product you could buy in a single visit.  NOW we know how to work around that rule...

She was caring for her grandmother who would often forget to eat or forget if she had eaten and grandma's MD was concerned about her recent dramatic weight loss as a result.  We purchased some small single serving chocolates and caramels for G-ma.  She gained 8 pounds that month with the appetite stimulation.  She was eating more volume and more often when taking a 1/2 dose twice daily.  Of course, we had to sample the products and were quite giddy that evening... but slept like toddlers...

The cost is prohibitive for some, and ready made products are costly as well.  This is why I chose to learn to generate my own products and self-test strains, edibles and topicals that worked well for my issues.  I did not find smoking or vaping to be helpful as my lung system totally rejects that method of delivery.  Topicals provide short-term relief and sublingual doses (1/2 ml dropperful AM/PM) provide the most consistent long-term pain relief for me, if consistently taken.  If I miss 2 days, I'm right back where I started.

I tend to lean toward high CBD cannabis strains to self-treat migraines and joint pain (pun intended).  The THC is the chemical that produces most of cannabis' psychological effects - the "High".  CBD affect the nerve system the endocannabioid system that registers pain and inflammation.  This video explains better the difference.  I also use some 1:1 THC/CBD strains where the psychological effects are mitigated by the presence of CBD. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZqVx1M3daQ

#1 - My first baking class was found through Living Social.  Six very different women gathered at a private kitchen on a Saturday morning and made 4 different snack foods.  We were not allowed to imbibe while cooking but soon realized that a contact high is possible just by not turning on the ventilation fan... rookie mistake. Licking the spoon or beaters is also a no-no in this venue... I was nearly booted from bake class for a violation.

#2 - When preparing raw "bud" for cooking it is wrapped in tin foil and then baked for 20 minutes at low consistent heat to "sweat the oil" from the terpines (plant cells).  Then the plant is infused in a fat based liquid - butter, oil or honey are top choices.  Do not UNDER ANY circumstances LICK the tin foil after baking the bud.  Ancient ancestors and former pets were communed with on that day...

#3 - When baking several dishes of cannabis treats and sampling as you go - make SURE you have non cannabis infused snacks to cure the munchies.  Otherwise, see you next Tuesday...  Damn, nothing to nibble but more canna-kibble...   Advanced preparation for baking IS necessary beyond just what is to be baked.  Prep for the after effects... something else I SHOULD have learned in high school, but I was busy being boring.

#4 - When sampling homemade edibles for the FIRST time, cut into 1/4 pieces - take 1 and wait 1 hour before a second dose.  And on packaged products, pay ATTENTION to dosing suggestions - if it says one and it looks like a Barbie-sized cookie; only take one - it can pack a wallop depending on the strain used. 'Well, two squares broke off and I'm not a newbie, I should be fine.'  I'm seeing dead people and convinced Dan has a contract out to kill me... 2 hours later.  This is why I stay away from THC products, 'paranoia will destroy ya...'

#5 - Get a set of Tupperware with GREEN lids and label EVERYTHING that has ANY cannabis in it.  Once it's in the black hole of your freezer or fridge it's easy to utilize the wrong butter when making family dinner... or a major temptation in some family gatherings.  YOU legally must tell anyone that there is cannabis in anything they eat and may not serve it to someone unknown.

#6 - Anything with cannabutter in it will have a "planty" odor or taste.  Use other seasonings or sweeteners liberally.  Using 1/2 infused product and 1/2 non-infused product will mellow the "bite".

#7 - When you clean up the "overspill" on gummies, candies or other edibles, factor that dose in to the ones you take after product is done. 

#8 - When going to the dispensary, go on a slow day early in the AM, so you have all day to visit others to get the full gram you need to actually cook a decent amount of goods... also to have good service from your budtender...

#9 - Research strains online before you go to the dispensary - for sales as well as intended outcomes. Indica and Sativa strains have varying levels of chemicals that affect people differently.

#10 - IF you are going to cook with cannabis often, it's best to have a separate set of cookware and utensils that are seasoned each time you cook.  Metal utensils will affect the overall taste.  Ceramic, glass, bamboo are recommended.   The bamboo will absorb a little essence every time used, but not in a detrimental way. 

I've purchased a Magic Butter machine that keeps all the mess to a minimum and a separate small crockpot for infusing oil, honey and butter for later baking use.  The Magic Butter machine looks like a small alien spacecraft and makes a heck of a racket, but effectively heats and infused the materials and even makes clean up pretty simple when one is jonesing for a power nap.

Make America Care Again... THAT is our route to greatness

Last night attended Lights for Liberty with my parents and about 12 fellow church members.  We assembled for snacks and poster making and had a loose itinerary of where to attend an event at Saltwater Unitarian Church http://saltwaterchurch.org/ in Des Moines in conjunction with the national Lights for Liberty event.  We encountered gracious hosts, convenient rest rooms and stood side by side with lit candles, voices raised in song and prayer to right the wrongs of this administration's policies.

We listened to people who are watchers and reporters who have spent time in a detention camp in Florida - just validating that the children there are seen and cared for by waving to them from a stepladder over a fence at a distance imposed by government regulations - which change daily.
#Don'tLookAway from refugee mistreatment.

We heard from a young woman who fled from Nicaragua without her child for her own safety - the mother's and the child's.

We heard from a group AidNW www.aidnw.org that mans (persons) a donated RV to receive newly released detainees in the warehouse district of Tacoma with literally only the clothes on their backs that they have been wearing for up to 6 weeks without benefit of shower. 

This group has an Amazon wish list, takes donations and would prefer several small to one large donation as they exist purely on donations.  Volunteers are on site from 2-7pm daily to welcome, provide care, compassion, food and clean clothing and toiletries, opportunity to communicate with family, make plans for their transition to freedom and whatever else is needed.  TO VALIDATE that these people MATTER and that the policy of our government is NOT the will of our citizens.

Otherwise, these detainees would be released in an area of Tacoma that is bleak, unpopulated and without resources nearby and without a clue of what their next steps should be.  AidNW is working in cooperation with Tacoma Police and ICE to exist and is dedicated to peacefully coexisting in the area they serve to KEEP serving for as long as they are permitted. 

AidNW serves ALL detainees being released - not just those from Latin America and Mexico as all refugees and asylum seekers are being detained prior to being allowed to start legal processing to remain in the country. 

Would you go to a country by choice to be detained for an undisclosed amount of time before being permitted to apply for asylum if you did not have to? 
Could you sleep with the lights on among 1200 other unwashed persons?
Could you relieve your biological needs in those conditions?
Could you manage without human contact of those you love?  No communication? 
We have no clue what kind of situation made the decision necessary and cannot in good conscious judge until we've walked 800 miles, 120 days and countless losses in their shoes.
We HAD MONTHS to prepare a program and policy to receive the caravan of people headed to our borders.  And THIS is the best we could do?  It's abhorrent conditions are Making America Ghastly Again in the eyes of the rest of the world.  This is not greatness, this is not even remotely appropriate.  This needs to end.

Ever feel like an organization was put on your radar for a reason?  I'm feeling compelled to get involved and support the efforts of AidNW in case that is not apparent.  I explored the location today, plan to deliver non perishable food snacks later this week and if I still feel so moved, to take steps toward volunteering in the RV as appropriate.

Many of us feel that there is nothing we can do about the current refugee detainment crisis.
I may not be able to solve the problem everywhere on my own with one action, but collectively, together, my ONE action may be THE one action that makes a difference in one LIFE.
There is no way I can NOT do this.