Weekly Whirligig: Disciples of a different time, place and journey

Weekly Whirligig: Disciples of a different time, place and journey: It's been a while since I had something big to process.  Knowing that I process better when I write in stream of consciousness and mindf...

Disciples of a different time, place and journey

It's been a while since I had something big to process.  Knowing that I process better when I write in stream of consciousness and mindfulness of what I'm feeling, I'm returning to the blog to do just that.  This is a big one.  A friend told me last week that she has a strong feeling - a 3AM wake up feeling - that my purpose in going through this journey into the criminal justice and prison system, supporting a friend, is so that I can improve conditions and outcomes for those once incarcerated.  AND further improve the process to help them reenter society and change their path going forward with love and respect for themselves and others.  So we're starting on that path.  Part faith journey, part institutional journey and all with the faith that all will be well.

For the first time this Lent, I have some idea what the disciples were feeling.  Jesus took them through the process of what was to come in parable and story and preaching, but they really had no idea.  What would happen? How it would affect them and others far into the future?  They could not fathom the far-reaching affect of this separation from their friend.  I can somewhat understand their walk in the wilderness, not literally, but figuratively.

We always want to think we have it under control, we know what to expect and how to prepare for what is to come.  When that power is taken away, we swirl in uncontrolled waves of rage and anxiety.  In a few weeks, a good friend, Yvette*, will be taken into custody to serve 6 ½ years in prison for a fatality accident that was her fault.  Her judgement was impaired, she made a poor decision and someone died.  

We’ve known for almost three years that a sentence would come, but it was a nebulous shadow hanging over our lives while we did other things – mundane things.  Attended AA meetings, appointments, work, grocery shopping, visiting with family, paying bills, doing our taxes, loading and unloading the dishwasher, washer and dryer.  Coming out of a pandemic in various stages and waiting for the court backlog to abate, until her case came to the forefront of a long delay.

And then it happened.  Almost 3 years after the incident.  She called and said, “I have news.  Are you sitting down?  I heard from my attorney and we’ll have two court appearances.  At the one in May, I’ll be taken into custody and serve 6 and a half years, or less.” And I took the news with a surprising sense of calm and acceptance.  Underneath, I was nowhere near calm and accepting.  I was raging inside.  

We all know some of the hiccups of the prison industrial complex and criminal justice system, so while I’m sure she will be dedicated to keeping her head down and serving her time, I’m wondering how she will adjust to the subtle social order within a women’s prison.  I’m hoping that there isn’t someone who has it out for hazing newbies.  I’m hoping she can achieve her goals of further education, sponsoring and mentoring AA buddies.  That she will find a church group to support her in her time of need.  I’m hopeful that the system can help keep her safe, tend to her medication needs and maintain her sanity.  Those are not small goals within a broken system.

Another friend, Betsy*, is preparing for a move to a new home.  We’re not sure Yvette will ever visit that new home.  We’re trying to schedule a gal’s weekend away – but time is compressed and there is a pressing need to make good memories to sustain her in her isolation.  Yes, we’ll visit, write and send her goodies to help pass the time. We don’t yet know what is considered contraband and what is allowed.  But it won’t be the same.  How many times will I start to send her a text message, then pause and remember.  We often went thrift shopping at Value Village and Goodwill together.  I’ve been a few times alone, it’s just not the same.  I’m eating my feelings.  I’ll have six years to correct those mistakes.

We’re clearing Y's rental home to the walls.  I have to resist wanting to keep everything for her for 6 years because that isn’t practical.  She will have space at my home to acclimate after she is released, but what will she truly need?  There is no way of knowing.  She may want to start fresh, she may want to retain some old items, she may have no interest or need coming from such a minimal existence.  We are giving items to people who have true need for them.  We found a home for her sewing machine with a woman who will send it to her family in Mexico.  

We’ll find a new home for her dog, Marco, she has raised since a puppy.  He won’t understand but he will accept. Most likely with someone who needs a pal for their sobriety journey.  This is the one time it might be advantageous to be an animal and not have full understanding of what it to come.  He will have faith that we will find a good home for him and he will adjust and accept.  If only the rest of us could follow and just allow the unknown to happen with such blind faith.

The mantra prayer of Mother Julian of Norwich:

*Some names have been fictionalized, but not Marco...